When You Miss Someone

I’d have to say that one of the shittiest (excuse my French) feelings in the world has to be missing someone.

As talked about in a previous post, my love, aka my boyfriend, lives quite far away from me. 3,074 miles to be exact. Not even a drive away, but a six hour flight away. Add a five hour time difference, and you’re living the life.

The life of missing that person, that is.

Long distance is tough, it revolves around a lot of scheduling, waiting, and planning. You miss out on the things that most couples experience together daily and wish constantly that they were there with you.

Life becomes almost split, living in moments, waiting for the day you get to sit in each others company once more or have your toe touching their foot, at the very least. (One of my love languages or how I show love, other than giving gifts*, is physical touch, so that should explain that.)

But the missing, oh the damn missing, that is a feeling that is hard to control. You can control the sadness, the paranoia, and the stress, but the missing, I think is the feeling that always sticks around.

I could be the happiest person in the room, and a part of me will always feel the missing. The, just wanting to be with that person because they are the part of you that makes you feel the most whole.

Missing comes in waves mostly, sometimes it’s a little less because there’s more to distract you and other times, like nighttime, it’s like a smack in the face. I’ve really grown to hate the nighttime since there’s nothing I’d like more than for him to be next to me. Nighttime also tends to be the time of day my thoughts go on turbo engine mode, so it’s not a pretty mix, to say the least.

But the thing about missing is that it always comes to an end because you’re finally with that person again. And the funny thing is, the second that you’re with them, you forget about all the missing, and all that matters is that you’re together.

So, while missing is brutal, it has also taught me to appreciate the time I do get with my boyfriend a whole lot more. Even the times we FaceTime, those few moments a day, where I just get to stare at him** or hear his voice, count the most. They are, by far, the best part of my day, everyday.

The same goes for the days I have gotten to spend with him in person, because of all the missing, every second with him means something to me. They were some of the best days of my life, because he is the most important person to me. We could be doing absolutely nothing and I would rate a 11/10 day.

The fact of the matter is, missing someone is shit, but if you love them, you do what you can and you deal with some of the shittier things, like missing, to be with them. And like I said before, it’s never forever, the missing always comes to an end.

Cheers!

Mirjam

*I know the love language is receiving gifts, but since it is in regards to how I express love, I put it as giving.

**He hates when I stare, which means I have to do it even more, in even creepier ways, muahaha

It’s The Ink Life For Me

Tattoos. Still a bit taboo for some, but for most they are completely normal. So much so, that almost everyone I know has at least one tattoo.

I’ve been obsessed with tattoos since I was a little girl and saw all the builders at my house with them. Completely fascinated by them I was. Then, once my “cool, older cousin” came around with her cute little hip tattoo, I was dead set on the fact that when I was old enough I would start getting my own.

Fast forward to ten years later, there I was getting my very first tattoo, a cute little hip one, just like my cousin.

That is now another ten years ago, and I have a running total of eleven tattoos, which is already eleven too many for my mother.

For me, tattoos are little reminders of the past or lessons I want to remember. Some came from alcohol based decisions, which well, it is what it is, and others had a lot of thought put behind them. Either way, there is not one that I regret and there are many more to be added.

Funny thing is, as much as I love my tattoos, I hate telling people about them. It’s almost a touchy subject for me when they get asked about because so many of them have such personal meanings to me. Putting out those meanings to people who ask, gives them room for judgement, and that’s something I have never reacted well to.

For the purpose of this post though, I will be talking about the tattoos I have and all the meanings behind them. Who knows, maybe the more I put it out there, the less I’ll care about what people think.

  1. Sun and Moon- My very first tattoo. Is my symbol for true love. This thought really came from a quote I had read at the time which romanticized the sun and the moon. “Tell me the story about how the sun loved the moon so much, he died every night to let her breathe.” I could analyze that quote for days, but maybe I’ll leave that for another time.
  2. Diamond- This is placed on my inner bicep and is a representation of strength. At the time I had been going through a lot emotionally and diamonds are meant to be unbreakable, which my young self (17 at the time) loved the symbolism of.
  3. Sempre Ad Meliora- On my right hip, is a latin phrase translated to “Always Towards Better Things.” Also from said, emotionally challenging time, but is a phrase that I strive to make true. I know sometimes life can send you hurdles, but there are always better things to come and I’m constantly headed towards them.
  4. Compass- Located on my upper mid back. This was designed by my younger brother, and is in honor of my love for the maritime world, as well as my love of travel.
  5. “Wild” in a heart shape- Located on my bum. (Sorry, not sorry.) Was more of a drunken decision, but accurately represents my wild heart. Mother loved it, said it fit me well anyways.
  6. Unalome- On my sternum. Definitely my most painful tattoo. Was very into Buddhism during that time, even took multiple religion classes in college regarding their practices. Represents the souls path to enlightenment, which was always a thought that calmed me, thinking that one day my soul will be at peace.
  7. “Faith” written to look like a cross- Back of my arm. My faith has always been important to me, but especially during the time I got it done. Is now a constant reminder to check in on that faith, whatever it may be at the time.
  8. Song lyric, “With grace in her heart, and flowers in her hair.”- Inner arm. This lyric is from a Mumford and Sons song, called “After the Storm.” The song is one of my favorites, makes me cry whenever I hear it. Pulled me out of a very dark place and the lyrics tell a story of the way I want to end up.
  9. Phoenix bird- On my ribcage. The phoenix symbolically represents rising out of the ashes and having a renewal at life. I view myself that way, I escaped a really horrible time and situation in my life and completely rebuilt myself to who I am now.
  10. “Albatraoz”- Side of lower arm. Another drunken decision. The song “I’m an Albatraoz” by AronChupa, came on during a night out, which was already a jam of mine, but finding out that Albatraoz means “bad bitch” sealed the deal.
  11. Sunflower & Peony- Lower arm. This is my most recent and most detailed tattoo, an absolutely beautiful gray & white single needle tattoo. In honor of my best friend and I. My favorite flower is the sunflower and hers is the peony. Together, forever really.

So, there you have, all the ink that makes my skin the piece of artwork it is.

All little pieces of my past, that I carry along with me.

It really doesn’t get more special than that.

Cheers!

Mirjam xx

Love Makes The World Go Round

Love is said to be hard, but I say with the right person it’s the easiest thing there is. J helped show me that.

In the past, I did everything I could to avoid love, I had no interest in it and the thought of opening my heart up to someone with the potential of getting hurt seemed impossible.

I probably would have continued on with that belief for quite a while if I hadn’t stumbled upon J. Well, more like if I hadn’t swiped right (if you catch my drift.)

He’s pretty much turned me into a complete mush without even trying, so much so that I’ve become that annoying spokesperson for love to my friends. I used to hate that person.

But continuing on with my “annoying spokesperson” role…. There are many things I love about J, all things that I believe everyone should have in a partner. Some of these are:

  1. He makes me feel special, like really special. And it is in a way that I actually believe I am.
  2. He makes me feel calm. I am a ball of anxiety, there’s no way around that. I could be having the most anxious morning, and the second I get on a call with him (we are long distance) that anxiety is gone. I might be hella hyper then, but at least I’m calm.
  3. I can trust him. I have never been the most open person, with my thoughts and emotions, and so far I have been very slow with opening up about certain things from my past. He knows this, but it has meant a lot to me that he’s been patient and has not pressured me to talk about the things I’m not ready to. It’s what has really gotten me to trust him as much as I do today. If we are talking, trust, as in faithful wise, then yeah he’s the first person I’ve ever felt secure about.
  4. He’s always there for me. He’s really like my own personal hype man, makes me believe I am a lot more capable of things then I had previous thought. Besides that, he always there for a talk when I’m having a bad day. He’s a man of few words so he always gives the most simple answers or advice, which tend to the trick compared to complex ones, in my opinion.
  5. He makes me feel beautiful, like probably more than I actually am.
  6. He makes me laugh, he’s 100% a goof and loves to push my buttons. It’s brought out a lot of the carefree side of myself, which I have missed.
  7. He does the little things that make me smile. For example, I LOVE reading, huge bookworm over here, so I talk about books all the time. Mind you in the time I have known him, I’ve never seen him read books, but recently he started one and has stuck to it (even though he always falls asleep reading it.) It’s a minor thing, but is one that has stuck out to me tremendously.
  8. He listens to me. Which sometimes I’m on the fence about because he actually remembers everything I say, and I say some questionable things.
  9. He matches my effort, which makes it a real two way street, and that’s important to me in a relationship, especially a long distance one.
  10. He made me believe in love again. Just by being him.

I could probably go on for days about that things I love about J, but some things are meant to be a bit more private. The reason I picked the things I did for this post, is because I believe they are things that a person should make you feel in a healthy relationship. I have been through the unhealthy situations and from those I was able to figure out the way I wanted to be treated and the way I wanted to feel when I love someone. J gives me that. In essence, he is who makes me feel safe and he will never know how much that truly means to me.

Long story short. Wait for your J. If you are in an unhealthy relationship, leave, it’s not going to change, they will always remain the same. And if you finally get the courage to leave, just know that there is a person out there that will give you all the love you deserve and more. I promise.

Cheers!

Mirjam

P.S. J is not his actual name, it will just be used when he is referenced to in my posts.

P.P.S J also reads my blog so, hey babe, I love you.

Ignoring The Voice Of The Past

Many of my posts are about me doing my best to think more positively, in regards to myself and the world around me. It is a battle that on some days is won and on others, well, the fight stays continuous.

That being said, it is evident that my mind can be a bit of a dark place at times. It is a mind which has developed from the people and experiences that have tried to dim the light inside of me. It is the part of my mind that hasn’t entirely healed, the part which stays a little bit haunted.

I often wonder how I let someone break me down to the level they did. I see myself as such a strong person when I look at myself in the mirror. I go about my days confidently, so sure that the things I do and the paths I have chosen are right. So, why can’t I just erase that voice?

That stupid voice, the one that told me I would never be enough. That I am not smart. That I am not kind. That I am not beautiful. That I am not strong. The voice that tore apart everything I love about myself.

At the end of the day, I know it’s cause I’m human, things happen and they impact you, some more drastically than others. It’s just a part of life, not every experience will be a good one and the best thing you can do is to keep moving forward.

So yes, sometimes I hear that voice, sometimes I feel that hurt all over again, and yes, sometimes I still believe it. But MOST of the time, I can push it away, fight it, remember that yes, I am enough, I am smart, I am kind, I am beautiful, and most of all, I am strong.

Cheers!

Mirjam

p.s. This was a really tough post for me to write, but is one that I KNOW many people can relate to, having possibly gone through similar situations and currently have voices in their head they are fighting. Just know you are never alone and I got you. Keep fighting. Xx

Tale of a Restless Spirit

I think my biggest fear in life is living a mediocre one. For me, that would be settling for a job I don’t like, or settling for a person not meant for me, or just doing anything that doesn’t make me 100% happy.

I see it all around me, people settling because what they have is just “fine”, it pays the bills, it gives them a family, or stability. Whatever the case may be, they find something that just passes and they stick to it.

I don’t want “fine,” I want to absolutely knock it out of the park. I want that life with travel, I want to be with my the love of my life and not call it “settling” and I want to know that I did everything I possibly could have to make it a life that was worth living.

The restlessness of my spirit sometimes eats at me, it leads to so much overthinking and wondering. Sometimes it really feels like a curse, being unable to take what I have and make that feel enough. I think it’s because I know I am capable of more.

My biggest area of restlessness is my work. Going through my twenties I have had trouble finding that job that I love and want to go to everyday, one that the passion never fades in. I seem to keep getting stuck in jobs where they turn into only a way to make ends meet.

While many people are alright with that, I am not. I will continue searching till I find what fits me, the type of job I wake up excited to go to work for. I know I have worked hard to get to where I am now and I have the time to keep searching, so I will keep truckin’ on.

Another part of my restless spirit is that I have trouble staying in on place. I always have the itch to go somewhere new, which probably explains me having moved so many times. I get that from my parents. They got married and moved about seven times until settling in the States.

I have the need to see the world, to see how people work, to experience, but mostly to observe. I want to know the differences in people among me and I want to know the similarities. Sometimes I think I want to know too much.

The restlessness of my spirit gives me drive. It won’t ever allow me to stop or to take less than I deserve or am capable of. It will allow me to make the most out of my life, allow me to see the world, and allow me to be the happiest me I can become.

So yes, a restless spirit is not an easy one, but it’s worth it because with that restless spirit I can make all my dreams come true.

Cheers!

Mirjam

Living Alone

Recently, I moved out of my childhood home, into my own apartment. This was needed in the sense that I’m about to be 26, and it is time to live my own life.

Growing up, my childhood home would be considered small for the area I live in, even more so with that fact that there were 6 of us living in it. This did lead to some chaotic times, but also created some of my fondest memories.

Due to growing up so close knit, the adjustment period to living alone has had its up and downs. These are the top five things I have realized living alone so far:

  1. I hate cooking for myself.
  2. I am suddenly obsessed with cleaning.
  3. I love how when I want company I can invite someone over, and when I want to be alone, I can shut out the world.
  4. I love not having anyone constantly asking me what I am doing.
  5. I miss the loudness of my childhood home.

So, it turns out I am not the greatest cook. The other day I burnt pasta, no idea how it occurred, but it did. It is also SUPER hard to portion the right amount for one person and not have leftovers. I am no fan of leftovers, so it is important not to have any. The future looks bleak cooking wise, so will likely stick to pre-made meals.

I have never been a messy person, but lately my love of cleanliness has reached a whole new level. Having anything out of place drives me mad, and all dust must be dusted, at all times. I think it could just be knowing I pay a massive amount of rent, so my place should at least stay looking good.

I would say I am more of an introvert in life, but one that can be extroverted WHEN I WANT TO BE. Living alone is ideal because I have days where I invite a friend over for a drink and then can be all set with socializing for a few days. Being alone does not bore me, I’m quite content with my own company.

When I moved home from Ireland, one aspect of having to live in my childhood home again that drove me insane was my parents always needing to know what I was doing and where I was. It created a lot of tension between us, only because I was used to going my own way and it was a step backwards for me having to relay all this information all the time. Living alone, I can just go about my day and no one knows the wiser.

Finally, it does get very quiet living alone. My childhood home was always very loud because there were so many of us. I definitely miss that aspect of it. To combat that silence, I have taken to always having a background noise on, whether it be the tv or music. I also talk to my plants, A LOT.

Well, there you have it. Living alone is a new experience for me, one that I love most of the time, but also have my conflicts with. I think the plan is to get a cat and once that happens, it will be happy days for sure.

Cheers!

Mirjam

What are your experiences with living alone or moving out of your childhood home. Feel free to leave a comment! Xx