Tag: happiness

Home Is Where The Heart Is

On By MirjamIn life, RelationshipsLeave a comment

I have moved over six times in the past four years. I have lived in five different countries since I was born, each time allowing that place to become ‘home.’ Yet as I sit here in Connecticut, the place where I grew up and lived for over twenty years, I know for a fact, home is ONLY where the heart is.

For me that home is wherever J is.

Of course, I love being in Connecticut for a visit, but after two weeks, my heart has started to hurt a bit. While I know all the ins and outs of my childhood home, I somehow feel like a stranger being here. It surprising really how homesick a person can get while being in a familiar place surrounded by family.

I’ve changed a lot over the past few years. Done a great deal of growing and getting to know myself. This included growing out things and people as well. It has also taught me who and what is important in a happy life, things that previously in life I may have dismissed. Mostly, I have learnt to let love and happiness in and not to let my past dictate my present too much.

Love is the biggest lesson for me. It’s been the most special one to me as well. It has taught me that I am capable of loving and capable of being loved back. That if there is anything I really want out of life, it is to know that I loved as hard and as freely as I could. That I never held back even when I was terrified. I believe I can achieve that out of life.

Mostly though, love has taught me that home is not a place, but a person for me. That it is with that person I feel safe. That I feel I can be 100% myself and never judged. That I can sing and dance and feel beautiful always. Just the two of us, surrounded in the love we have made together. Yeah, that’s home for me.

Why Write?

On By MirjamIn hobbies, lessons, life2 Comments

My brothers keep asking me why I like to write and why I both bother to blog and journal. They also like to call me a ‘nerd.’ Which is fair because I definitely am one where reading and writing are concerned.

The answer to their question is that writing calms my mind. Besides reading it is one of the only things that does.

I have always been the quiet one in both my family and around my friends. I’m not shy, I just like to observe. Most of the time, I also just don’t have much to say. A lot of people talk too much, mostly about nothing at all.

Inside my mind though, it is always loud. I am always thinking, daydreaming, wondering. That’s the way it has always been for me, part of the group, but always in my own world.

Writing helps to calm that, to put all that in my mind on the page and release it. Sometimes it becomes easy to get lost in my thoughts and daydreams, writing brings me back.

I like how I can put whatever comes to mind to paper. It tends to be easier than speaking most of the time. Writing is my form of expression, where words come tumbling out, words about the vast array of thoughts that cross my mind a day. Words about the dreams I have. Words about that the nightmares and sorrows. Just words that set me free.

I wish everyone would write more, I believe it would make the world more peaceful. Get people to write their feelings down, both good and bad, their stories too. It would help us all understand each other better, as many never say the things they really believe or feel.

I wonder about that often. What would the person next to me write about if given an empty sheet of paper? Would it be deep or would it be carefree? Would I look at them the same after? Would I understand how they feel or what they see? Would it be dark and scary? Would it be happy and light? I wonder, I wonder, I wonder.

All with all these thoughts that spin in my mind, I wish my tongue would allow me to speak more freely. I wish I didn’t stop myself from saying all the things I feel and have felt. Why am I always so afraid? And so I write. There is no fear with the paper. Behind the pen I am me and for now that is enough.

Apple Picking

On By MirjamIn lifeLeave a comment

Oh man, I LOVE fall. The weather is perfect, the leaves falling and changing colours are gorgeous, and the fall activities, however basic, are always the most fun.

It’s a yearly tradition that my father and I go apple picking together. It may seem like the simplest activity, but it’s the one we spend all year looking most forward to. It is so special to us, that for the past few years I have flown home from Europe to make our yearly trip to the apple orchard.

Today, we went to Stuart’s Fruit Farm in Granite Springs, NY. It is a lovely family owned farm with a delicious bakery and fruit stand. They offer hay rides for the little one, although it looks like such fun, I’m always tempted to join.

The orchard itself is a nice walk through various types of apples, such as, Fuji, Honeycrisp, and Winesap. My favourite one being the Honeycrisp, due to the sweetness that remains unmatched. There is a even a few peach trees boasting luscious, juicy peaches, if you look hard enough.

The best part of apple picking is of course, the bakery. I don’t know why, but the apple cider donuts and dutch apple pie at apple orchards cannot be beat. When it boils down to it, we all know the main goal behind the trip is for those donuts. Be careful for the wasps though! They love them just as much as I do.

All in all, it was a wonderful few hours, and as I sit here writing and licking my fingers from the apple cider donut I just inhaled, I’m already looking forward to next year.

Books, Books, Books

On By MirjamIn lifeLeave a comment

I love books. None of that audio book or kindle nonsense for me. Just the tried and true, book that you can hold in your hands that come with the very specific smell only books have. Nothing beats it.

I’m a bookworm, always have been. The child who would go missing for hours at a time, only to be found somewhere in a corner reading a book. For me, reading can make the worst day turn around. It is my one true escape.

Reading a book allows me to leave this world behind and completely join a new one. It’s never just been a story on the page, books have been little lives I have been allowed to live.

Some people read, but stay distracted with the things around them. When I read, I can shut it all out. My siblings joke that someone could be getting murdered beside me, but if I am reading, I could be none the wiser.

Many emotions come with reading, allowing books to become little lives you live. To be a true reader, you have to connect with the characters, almost become them. That is what makes a book special. Connecting with it. Letting yourself feel. Caring about the way that little life turns out. Being sad when it ends. For a long time, it was only when I was reading that I could feel anything at all.

I think more people should try and become readers. Try and live different little lives. See the worlds other people live. It may not be real life, but I think you can learn something from each book you read. It can be a new emotion that it brought out of you, a new way of thinking, or just a little piece of joy. Books are special in a way TV and movies are not, a true escape into your own mind. If you haven’t picked up a book in a while, try to do so and see all the little worlds you can live if you only start.

Love Makes The World Go Round

On By MirjamIn life, RelationshipsLeave a comment

Love is said to be hard, but I say with the right person it’s the easiest thing there is. J helped show me that.

In the past, I did everything I could to avoid love, I had no interest in it and the thought of opening my heart up to someone with the potential of getting hurt seemed impossible.

I probably would have continued on with that belief for quite a while if I hadn’t stumbled upon J. Well, more like if I hadn’t swiped right (if you catch my drift.)

He’s pretty much turned me into a complete mush without even trying, so much so that I’ve become that annoying spokesperson for love to my friends. I used to hate that person.

But continuing on with my “annoying spokesperson” role…. There are many things I love about J, all things that I believe everyone should have in a partner. Some of these are:

  1. He makes me feel special, like really special. And it is in a way that I actually believe I am.
  2. He makes me feel calm. I am a ball of anxiety, there’s no way around that. I could be having the most anxious morning, and the second I get on a call with him (we are long distance) that anxiety is gone. I might be hella hyper then, but at least I’m calm.
  3. I can trust him. I have never been the most open person, with my thoughts and emotions, and so far I have been very slow with opening up about certain things from my past. He knows this, but it has meant a lot to me that he’s been patient and has not pressured me to talk about the things I’m not ready to. It’s what has really gotten me to trust him as much as I do today. If we are talking, trust, as in faithful wise, then yeah he’s the first person I’ve ever felt secure about.
  4. He’s always there for me. He’s really like my own personal hype man, makes me believe I am a lot more capable of things then I had previous thought. Besides that, he always there for a talk when I’m having a bad day. He’s a man of few words so he always gives the most simple answers or advice, which tend to the trick compared to complex ones, in my opinion.
  5. He makes me feel beautiful, like probably more than I actually am.
  6. He makes me laugh, he’s 100% a goof and loves to push my buttons. It’s brought out a lot of the carefree side of myself, which I have missed.
  7. He does the little things that make me smile. For example, I LOVE reading, huge bookworm over here, so I talk about books all the time. Mind you in the time I have known him, I’ve never seen him read books, but recently he started one and has stuck to it (even though he always falls asleep reading it.) It’s a minor thing, but is one that has stuck out to me tremendously.
  8. He listens to me. Which sometimes I’m on the fence about because he actually remembers everything I say, and I say some questionable things.
  9. He matches my effort, which makes it a real two way street, and that’s important to me in a relationship, especially a long distance one.
  10. He made me believe in love again. Just by being him.

I could probably go on for days about that things I love about J, but some things are meant to be a bit more private. The reason I picked the things I did for this post, is because I believe they are things that a person should make you feel in a healthy relationship. I have been through the unhealthy situations and from those I was able to figure out the way I wanted to be treated and the way I wanted to feel when I love someone. J gives me that. In essence, he is who makes me feel safe and he will never know how much that truly means to me.

Long story short. Wait for your J. If you are in an unhealthy relationship, leave, it’s not going to change, they will always remain the same. And if you finally get the courage to leave, just know that there is a person out there that will give you all the love you deserve and more. I promise.

Cheers!

Mirjam

P.S. J is not his actual name, it will just be used when he is referenced to in my posts.

P.P.S J also reads my blog so, hey babe, I love you.

Tale of a Restless Spirit

On By MirjamIn life, Travel, workLeave a comment

I think my biggest fear in life is living a mediocre one. For me, that would be settling for a job I don’t like, or settling for a person not meant for me, or just doing anything that doesn’t make me 100% happy.

I see it all around me, people settling because what they have is just “fine”, it pays the bills, it gives them a family, or stability. Whatever the case may be, they find something that just passes and they stick to it.

I don’t want “fine,” I want to absolutely knock it out of the park. I want that life with travel, I want to be with my the love of my life and not call it “settling” and I want to know that I did everything I possibly could have to make it a life that was worth living.

The restlessness of my spirit sometimes eats at me, it leads to so much overthinking and wondering. Sometimes it really feels like a curse, being unable to take what I have and make that feel enough. I think it’s because I know I am capable of more.

My biggest area of restlessness is my work. Going through my twenties I have had trouble finding that job that I love and want to go to everyday, one that the passion never fades in. I seem to keep getting stuck in jobs where they turn into only a way to make ends meet.

While many people are alright with that, I am not. I will continue searching till I find what fits me, the type of job I wake up excited to go to work for. I know I have worked hard to get to where I am now and I have the time to keep searching, so I will keep truckin’ on.

Another part of my restless spirit is that I have trouble staying in on place. I always have the itch to go somewhere new, which probably explains me having moved so many times. I get that from my parents. They got married and moved about seven times until settling in the States.

I have the need to see the world, to see how people work, to experience, but mostly to observe. I want to know the differences in people among me and I want to know the similarities. Sometimes I think I want to know too much.

The restlessness of my spirit gives me drive. It won’t ever allow me to stop or to take less than I deserve or am capable of. It will allow me to make the most out of my life, allow me to see the world, and allow me to be the happiest me I can become.

So yes, a restless spirit is not an easy one, but it’s worth it because with that restless spirit I can make all my dreams come true.

Cheers!

Mirjam

“It’s Okay To See A Therapist”

On By MirjamIn lessons, mental health1 Comment

These words were said to me by a close friend a few years ago when I was going through one of lowest points in my life. Back then, it was something I heard, but never took to heart.

I waited another three years after that until I finally set my ego aside and marched into my therapist’s office. That, remains one of my best decisions to date.

Looking back, I wonder why I had such an issue with the idea of going to therapy. It was never anything that would hurt me, it only benefits me, yet I had so much pride that therapy was seen as the last resort for me.

To think that I thought I was tough enough mentally to do it all on my own, was entirely insane. Sometimes you just need help. For me, therapy gives me the chance to just talk. Talk to someone who has no biased option and who only wants the best for me. Talk until I pretty much talk myself into a solution or talk myself into fully understanding what I am thinking or even feeling.

Just given that freedom to talk and air out whatever I have going on in that churning mind of mine. The mind that never stops thinking, that never stops worrying, the mind that seems to always be running from something. Therapy allows me to organize those thoughts better, it allows me to breathe a bit.

“It’s okay to see a therapist.” It plays in my mind everytime I doubt myself or feel the least bit badly about having to go to therapy. I now know it is okay to ask for help and to seek that help. It turns out that taking that little step was worth everything. It saved me.

Cheers!

Mirjam

Let me know your experiences or thoughts on therapy in the comments! Xx

Loving Yourself Is The Greatest Revolution

On By MirjamIn lessons2 Comments

One of the main things I have been working on the past few years, but have really been starting to achieve this year, is just loving myself. A big part of that is in the way I see myself in the mirror, so sadly it has a lot to do with how I look.

When I was younger, I was always very skinny, mostly due to puberty not really hitting me till I was about seventeen. For me, that was an ideal way to look, so skinny you could literally fit into the smallest size without an issue. That, in itself, is an issue. Turns out, my “womanly” body, as my mother calls it, is quite curvy. Now let me tell you, curvy does not fit into the smallest size. And for me, that was tragic.

From there, started the years of diets, restrictions, and emotional turmoil, all due to hating the way I looked and the fact that I was not skinny enough for myself. The “for myself” is key because I was plenty fine for everyone else.

It is actually ridiculous how you can get so into your mind about something that is not even a problem. It is usually just societal ideals being put into your mind and you deciding you are not good enough. That is what makes it so heartbreaking.

I look at myself today, and I might not think I’m perfect, I still may diet, or have days that I cry about the way I look, but I finally know I’m enough. Just the fact that I don’t obsess about the scale or cry because I don’t fit into something I may have the year before are big steps for me. I’m proud of those steps. I’m proud that I can look in the mirror and feel beautiful or the fact that I finally know I don’t have to be everyone’s idea of perfect. I’m perfect in my own way.

It is with those tiny “victories” that I started loving myself a bit more. To love yourself, in any way, being mentally, physically, or emotionally, is not an easy task and I give props to anyone whose working on that. My advice, is to take it day by day and stop being so hard on yourself, usually it’s just all in your head.

Cheers!

Mirjam