Category: lessons

Healing & Friendships

On By MirjamIn lessons, life, Relationships2 Comments

I have never had an easy time with making friends. It’s an area that I feel needs a lot of trust and I have trouble giving that out.

One of my biggest faults is that I am so closed off from people. It is difficult to open up and let people in. It is definitely a side of me that has not fully healed from the past.

When I meet a new person, I like to observe them, see what they are about. This often comes across the wrong way, as it can be seen as judging. Fact of the matter is, I’m not judging, I’m just trying to figure out whether I am safe with the person.

Can I trust this person? Can I tell them things about me? Let them get to know me? Will they find a way to hurt or betray me? Analyse, analyse, analyse.

Too much analysing usually makes you lose your chance though.

I wish I could be the open, carefree person, who is just friends with everyone. The thought alone scares me though.

As often as I talk about wanting new friends, the truth of the matter is, I’m probably just not ready for new ones. I’m learning to be okay with that, in a world where everyone seems to be amazing at socialising. Healing takes time, building trust takes even more, and the right people will come and be patient. Most of all, they will stay.

Why Write?

On By MirjamIn hobbies, lessons, life2 Comments

My brothers keep asking me why I like to write and why I both bother to blog and journal. They also like to call me a ‘nerd.’ Which is fair because I definitely am one where reading and writing are concerned.

The answer to their question is that writing calms my mind. Besides reading it is one of the only things that does.

I have always been the quiet one in both my family and around my friends. I’m not shy, I just like to observe. Most of the time, I also just don’t have much to say. A lot of people talk too much, mostly about nothing at all.

Inside my mind though, it is always loud. I am always thinking, daydreaming, wondering. That’s the way it has always been for me, part of the group, but always in my own world.

Writing helps to calm that, to put all that in my mind on the page and release it. Sometimes it becomes easy to get lost in my thoughts and daydreams, writing brings me back.

I like how I can put whatever comes to mind to paper. It tends to be easier than speaking most of the time. Writing is my form of expression, where words come tumbling out, words about the vast array of thoughts that cross my mind a day. Words about the dreams I have. Words about that the nightmares and sorrows. Just words that set me free.

I wish everyone would write more, I believe it would make the world more peaceful. Get people to write their feelings down, both good and bad, their stories too. It would help us all understand each other better, as many never say the things they really believe or feel.

I wonder about that often. What would the person next to me write about if given an empty sheet of paper? Would it be deep or would it be carefree? Would I look at them the same after? Would I understand how they feel or what they see? Would it be dark and scary? Would it be happy and light? I wonder, I wonder, I wonder.

All with all these thoughts that spin in my mind, I wish my tongue would allow me to speak more freely. I wish I didn’t stop myself from saying all the things I feel and have felt. Why am I always so afraid? And so I write. There is no fear with the paper. Behind the pen I am me and for now that is enough.

Learning to Love my Natural Self

On By MirjamIn beauty, lessons, life2 Comments

Growing up female is hard enough as it is. As girls we spend a little too much changing ourselves to fit in and it doesn’t get much better as we get older. As women, at least you learn to develop a sense of self for the most part, which might help you branch away from the social norm. For me, this would be loving my natural self, which might not fit the standard of beauty that one is accustomed to in the media around us.

That being said, I am beautiful, but I have spent many years changing myself to fit western beauty ideology. This is due to many outside factors, including my peers who while I was young would have snide comments about my hair. My wild, frizzy, curly hair. My biggest insecurity growing up.

I remember being 13 and having one of my closest friends tell me my hair resembled a rat’s nest. And the boy at 15 who I had a crush on, who told me, my face was pretty, but I’d be better if I did something about my hair. That’s when the years of straightening my hair daily began.

It’s funny how it it other people who change the perspective on yourself. I used to love my curls, sure they were difficult to manage, but I had always felt they fit me nicely. But if everyone says straight hair is better, it must be right?

I started to try and love my natural hair in my early twenties, but I would only ever wear it natural around people I was comfortable with. never outside the house and never around a stranger. I didn’t want to be looked at and feel as though i was not beautiful.

It was this year during COVID that I truly began to embrace my curls. They are a lot of work, but the bigger they are, the more I love them. The wilder they are, the more free I feel. It’s with my curls that I finally feel like me again. It doesn’t matter if they do not fit everyone’s perception of beauty, I feel beautiful. And that’s all that matters right?

Hey, Soul Sister

On By MirjamIn lessons, life, Relationships3 Comments

So, many of my recent posts have been a bit on the “deeper” side and I figured it was about time I told the world about my best friend, Ally.

This is her birthday weekend and I will be going up to Boston after six long months apart to celebrate it with her. Let the drinking and gossip commence!

Here’s a little background:

Ally and I met two years ago, while living abroad in Ireland, through an app. A very modern way to start this story, I’d say. At the time, I had only been living there for two weeks, while she had been there for a few years already. I had lived abroad a few times at that point and knew the best way to meet people was either by going out or going online. This means Facebook groups or modern apps, such as Bumble Friends. We used a different one, which actually does not exist anymore (RIP.)

Ally reached out to me and we soon began talking and made plans to meet that very week. Honestly, the whole thing felt like a date, minus the romantic interest. We hit it off so well it was as if we had known each other our entire lives. From that point on, we actually became inseparable. So much so, we moved in together the same year.

Fast forward to today:

Both of us have since moved back to the States, living about three hours apart. Might be hard for some, but we talk 24/7, so besides not seeing each other every minute of the day, things haven’t really changed.

Ally was the friend I needed at the time where life was a bit confusing. Moving to new places is always hard, especially when it is completely alone. Add having the emotional baggage your carrying along, it becomes even harder. Ally and I were in similar situations when we met, both working through things, both needing that person to build the other back up. We always say, we saved each other.

She’s my soul sister, the one who gets me without me even having to say a word. She cheers me on from every sideline, pushing me to always do my best. Sometimes I think she believes in me more than I believe in myself.

Everyone needs a person in their life who is like Ally. I am extremely lucky to have her as a best friend in life. It’s a lifelong friendship for me, one I will never take for granted and I know it’s the same for her. Life only gives you a few genuinely good people, so I say when you find them, whoever it may be, best friend, family, or partner, make sure to hold on tight cause it’s love and friendship which make the journey worth it.

Cheers!

Mirjam

Do you have any people who you cannot see life without? People who feel like they were put in your life at the time you needed someone the most? Let me know all about them in the comments! Xx

“It’s Okay To See A Therapist”

On By MirjamIn lessons, mental health1 Comment

These words were said to me by a close friend a few years ago when I was going through one of lowest points in my life. Back then, it was something I heard, but never took to heart.

I waited another three years after that until I finally set my ego aside and marched into my therapist’s office. That, remains one of my best decisions to date.

Looking back, I wonder why I had such an issue with the idea of going to therapy. It was never anything that would hurt me, it only benefits me, yet I had so much pride that therapy was seen as the last resort for me.

To think that I thought I was tough enough mentally to do it all on my own, was entirely insane. Sometimes you just need help. For me, therapy gives me the chance to just talk. Talk to someone who has no biased option and who only wants the best for me. Talk until I pretty much talk myself into a solution or talk myself into fully understanding what I am thinking or even feeling.

Just given that freedom to talk and air out whatever I have going on in that churning mind of mine. The mind that never stops thinking, that never stops worrying, the mind that seems to always be running from something. Therapy allows me to organize those thoughts better, it allows me to breathe a bit.

“It’s okay to see a therapist.” It plays in my mind everytime I doubt myself or feel the least bit badly about having to go to therapy. I now know it is okay to ask for help and to seek that help. It turns out that taking that little step was worth everything. It saved me.

Cheers!

Mirjam

Let me know your experiences or thoughts on therapy in the comments! Xx

Loving Yourself Is The Greatest Revolution

On By MirjamIn lessons2 Comments

One of the main things I have been working on the past few years, but have really been starting to achieve this year, is just loving myself. A big part of that is in the way I see myself in the mirror, so sadly it has a lot to do with how I look.

When I was younger, I was always very skinny, mostly due to puberty not really hitting me till I was about seventeen. For me, that was an ideal way to look, so skinny you could literally fit into the smallest size without an issue. That, in itself, is an issue. Turns out, my “womanly” body, as my mother calls it, is quite curvy. Now let me tell you, curvy does not fit into the smallest size. And for me, that was tragic.

From there, started the years of diets, restrictions, and emotional turmoil, all due to hating the way I looked and the fact that I was not skinny enough for myself. The “for myself” is key because I was plenty fine for everyone else.

It is actually ridiculous how you can get so into your mind about something that is not even a problem. It is usually just societal ideals being put into your mind and you deciding you are not good enough. That is what makes it so heartbreaking.

I look at myself today, and I might not think I’m perfect, I still may diet, or have days that I cry about the way I look, but I finally know I’m enough. Just the fact that I don’t obsess about the scale or cry because I don’t fit into something I may have the year before are big steps for me. I’m proud of those steps. I’m proud that I can look in the mirror and feel beautiful or the fact that I finally know I don’t have to be everyone’s idea of perfect. I’m perfect in my own way.

It is with those tiny “victories” that I started loving myself a bit more. To love yourself, in any way, being mentally, physically, or emotionally, is not an easy task and I give props to anyone whose working on that. My advice, is to take it day by day and stop being so hard on yourself, usually it’s just all in your head.

Cheers!

Mirjam

Mothers & Daughters

On By MirjamIn lessons, Relationships1 Comment

The mother/daughter relationship for me has always been one of the harder relationships to handle. For many, the mother/daughter dynamic is seen as a “best friend” relationship, where they go shopping together, talk about boys (or girls) together, and gossip about whatever else. It is a thought that has always put a lot of pressure on the actual relationship I have with my mother, a strain almost, to try and create that “ideal” relationship, one that we have never really had.

Let me continue by saying that I love my mother, I really do. I look up to her, I see how strong of a woman she is, how hard she has worked to raise my brothers and I, and how loving of a wife she is to my father. Regardless of all of that, she is not an easy woman, and neither am I.

My teen years were not easy, I was a bit of a nightmare teenager, and with my mother having a similar personality to mine, our relationship took a huge hit during those years. In fact, we sadly stopped speaking for a while. Looking back on it years later, I wish it had not happened that way, but yet it is what has given us the relationship we now have. We pulled through, I got older, matured, and saw my mom in a different light. She went from being someone I really had no interest in knowing, to a person I work really hard to understand. Through that effort of at least trying to understand her, we have almost developed societies “ideal” mother/daughter relationship, I just think we have changed it to fit our ideal. It may not be telling each other secrets all the time and calling each other our “best friend,” but we respect each other, and have fun when we get together to have a girl’s day. For me, that’s really all I ever wanted, just to have a mom who gets me and for me to get her. I’m lucky in that, I have a mom that would never give up on me , and “ideal” relationship or not, I’m forever grateful.

To all the girls out there who might have a difficult relationship with your mom, know that sometimes it just takes time.** Try and see things from her perspective a bit more, and remember she is only human, and everyone makes mistakes.

Cheers!

Mirjam

**P.S. I know that this is not the case for everyone because sometimes there are very bad situations between mothers and daughters. This is a very broad statement more based on my own experience and what I took from it**

“Quiet the Mind, and the Soul Will Speak.”

On By MirjamIn lessonsLeave a comment

Meditation. It is one of those things I have always been quite pessimistic about. Lately though, I have been opening myself up to trying new things, one of those being meditation.

Initially, I had thought of meditation as just sitting while breathing slowly and hopefully it relaxes you. I mean, I wasn’t far off, but there is SO much more to it than just that.

It has never been easy for me to shut off my brain and just sit in my silence, everything just roars too damn loud. Yet with meditation, it seems my thoughts have been replaced with emotion and when those emotions are released I finally have silence.

The emotion is the hardest part of meditation, the amount of times I find myself in tears could quite possibly put me into a mental institution. But it is so worth it, just to feel whatever I am holding on to finally come out and to feel free from whatever was holding me down. It is to the point that I am able to place what I’m feeling just by where in my body I am feeling that emotion. i.e. if I feel it in my throat, it is grief, in my chest, it is anger, in my stomach, it is fear. That, in itself, is completely new to me.

With this, meditating has become one of the best parts of my day, it is a time for myself, where I get in touch with my feelings both good and bad, and allow myself to actually feel them. It has enabled me to understand myself just a little bit better and look at life in a new, healthier perspective.

Because of that, I would recommend meditation to just about anyone, cause it never hurts to understand yourself just a little bit better.

Cheers & Namaste,

Mirjam

How to get through the “lows”

On By MirjamIn lessons, Uncategorized4 Comments

Hi All!

Sorry it has been so long! Life has handed me a rough patch and with it came the dreadful “lows.”

There should be no shame when it comes to mental health and I will be the first to admit that I have battled with my own mental health problems for years.

Life will not always be easy and the majority of it will be completely out of your control. It then becomes about learning how to get through the difficult times and if you have mental health issues, such as depression or anxiety, what helps bring positivity or even just the belief that you will make it though the rough patch at all.

This post will lend a look into the ways I deal with my periods of “lows” and hopefully help others realize they are not alone.

1. Try and find reasons as to WHY you may be in a “low” period.

Most of the time when I am going through a low, there are underlying causes as to why. (Of course, with depression this will not always be the case.) By weeding out these causes I am able to remove or fix them. For example, I had previously gone through a low and by taking a step back and evaluating my life, I found the reason behind my low to be an unhappiness with the shape I was in. This impacted various aspects of my mood, from not wanting to go out, to hating the way I looked in the mirror, to just being insecure in general. Once I realized that it was the root of my low, I set out to get in shape and with that I was able to get out of my rut. There are many reasons why one may be having a low and sometimes no reason at all, but no matter how hard it may seem, you will make it through.

2. It’s okay to not be happy ALL the time.

So many people go out into the daily world with a face of strength on. This face is meant to hide the feelings or the going ons beneath the surface. It is also why it is easy to feel as though we always need to be okay, that we all need to be happy 24/7. Sadness and lows are a part of life, embrace it, you will only learn from those emotions.

3. Stop comparing your journey to others.

With the world even more involved in social media it has become much easier to see how other peoples lives are evolving. This can lead to one feeling as though they are behind or they should have their own lives as completely together as others lives may seem. Try to remember that people do not post the bad on social media, it is like looking at the world through rose colored glasses. Go at your own speed and know that what is meant to be will be. Until then just try YOUR best, don’t let your life become anothers.

4. Leave your room!

With lows and depression, many people tend to isolate themselves. Even in movies people who are depressed are depicted as staying in bed in a dark room for days. DON’T do this, it will only make one feel more low. Go outside, sit in the sunshine, surround yourself with others even if it is the last thing you want to do. It will help distract you from whatever is going on in your mind and help you remember what living is all about.

5. Be gentle with yourself.

Stop putting so much pressure on yourself to have it all together. Realistically, none of us have it all figured out. Love yourself, be proud of the things you have lived through and fought through. Remind yourself how strong you are, how courageous you are, how absolutely one of kind you are. We all contribute something special to this world, people love you and believe in you. Just TRY to believe in yourself too.

6. Speak to a loved one or someone you trust.

One of the trickiest things for me is putting aside my pride and asking for help. It is okay to ask for help. No one said you have to do it all alone. Realize that asking for help is what makes one strong. Being in tune with your own emotions is a remarkable thing so be proud of that. The people who love you will always be there for you, all you need to do is ask.

7. Stop running.

My biggest fault is that I run. the second that life throws me a curveball or I hit a low, everything in me screams that it’s time to go. Suddenly I’m doing everything I can to escape, to not have to face what I’m feeling. That needs to stop. sometimes the best thing to do is face what you are most afraid of head on for it is the only way to conquer it. The only person who can get yourself out of a low is YOU. Running will only postpone that, the lows will come again and again until you say ENOUGH.

Depression, anxiety, and any other mental health problem can be the hardest thing one has to face in life. Sometimes we can conquer it, other times it remains a life long battle. Just please keep fighting, know it will be alright, and remember that you bring something special to the world for you are one of a kind and absolutely amazing.

Cheers,

Mirjam xx

What are some tips that you may have when it comes to mental health or fighting the dreadful “lows?”

Comment Below!

Oh, What a Life

On By MirjamIn Blog, lessons, Relationships, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Hi!

I hope you all have had an amazing New Years and that this 2019 will be the year you conquer it all. This post will be focusing on the lessons I have learnt in 2018. While some may not relate, I hope at least a few of you will.

**Warning: this is much deeper than what I tend to write, both style wise and topic wise**

  1. Even when you are afraid, still take the leap.

Sounds cliché, I know. Still, it is 100% true. Moving to Ireland was one of the biggest leaps I have taken in my life. I left all my friends and family behind, to start my own life. There are many “what ifs” that go through ones mind when moving to a different country. Not knowing anyone, not knowing the area, working at a new company, and wondering whether this is the RIGHT decision all create worries. What I took from that is  9 times out of 10, your worries don’t actually come true and that by doing what you are afraid of, you gain the most.

  1. Being alone is okay and loneliness is normal. It is what you make of it which matters.

Most people are afraid to be alone, so they get into relationships or get drunk every weekend with people they don’t even like to avoid being alone. While that is fine, the reality of it is that those people may not be alone, but they are most likely still lonely. So, what I have taken for that is not to settle for relationships or create bad habits to avoid being alone, but to embrace it. From that, you learn a hell of a lot about yourself and then after a while being able to be alone is what makes you strong. Loneliness proved to be a lot more difficult. Through loneliness comes sadness, and with that come decisions you may regret or the feeling that you actually can’t do everything you once thought you could. I learnt that you can’t control the feeling of being lonely, everyone feels lonely sometimes, it’s a part of life. Just try and remember it is but a feeling and it usually leaves just as quick as it comes.

  1. Stop trying to control every aspect of your life, the fact of the matter is that what is meant to happen will happen.

I’m a perfectionist, growing up I had every part of my life planned out. So far, none of those plans have actually happened. Life throws a ton of shit your way and suddenly you find yourself going down roads you never thought you would. At the same time, opportunities and people come your way, and if you take those opportunities and get to know those people, the plans you once had are replaced by new ones and the control you wanted is gone. I’m now okay with the lack of control I may have over what happens in my life because I know good or bad I can handle it. 2018 taught me just to take it as it comes.

  1. Explore, the world is gigantic and life passes you by whether you see it or not.

Moving to a different country and starting a job in maritime has opened many doors to seeing the world. Each trip I take allows me to see a different way of life with different types of people and mindsets, opening up my own mind and creating new opinions and thoughts. It is seeing the beauty of the world and the good of the people in it which makes me appreciate life and want to live every part of it to the fullest. I want to know that I did everything I could do to see as much as I possibly can. I refuse to be the woman who sat and watched life go by while everyone else lives it.

  1. When love comes knocking, let it in.

Life has handed me many battles, the biggest ones being in relation to love. I’d say it turned me bitter and into someone I never hoped to be. Building up walls is a dangerous thing when you allow it to turn you cold. I always knew that love and “feelings” would be a hurdle and for a long time I didn’t even try to get over it. I hurt a lot of people through my hurt and I will always be sorry for that. But what’s done is done and all I can do now I hope to become better. The biggest thing 2018 has given me is the realization that I am okay, I am not bitter anymore, and my heart is more open than it ever has been. There will obviously be bumps along the way cause that is what comes with growth, but I have gotten over the hurdle. If you had asked me a year ago if I would have answered the door when love came knocking, it would have been a hard no. This year though I’ll welcome it with open arms.

New year, new me… Nope, it will always still be the old me, but with some improvements. Growth is continuous and if you want to measure it with a timeline, then doing it yearly makes the most sense. The reason behind this post is more than I needed to understand exactly what I have learnt and how much I have grown. It was a year of emotions and challenges, but I am proud of myself and what more could you want than that.

I look forward to what 2019 will bring me, whether it be good or bad, I’m ready.

Lots of love,

Jam

Let me know what lessons you have learnt in 2018 or even what you hope to gain in 2019 below!