Love Makes The World Go Round

Love is said to be hard, but I say with the right person it’s the easiest thing there is. J helped show me that.

In the past, I did everything I could to avoid love, I had no interest in it and the thought of opening my heart up to someone with the potential of getting hurt seemed impossible.

I probably would have continued on with that belief for quite a while if I hadn’t stumbled upon J. Well, more like if I hadn’t swiped right (if you catch my drift.)

He’s pretty much turned me into a complete mush without even trying, so much so that I’ve become that annoying spokesperson for love to my friends. I used to hate that person.

But continuing on with my “annoying spokesperson” role…. There are many things I love about J, all things that I believe everyone should have in a partner. Some of these are:

  1. He makes me feel special, like really special. And it is in a way that I actually believe I am.
  2. He makes me feel calm. I am a ball of anxiety, there’s no way around that. I could be having the most anxious morning, and the second I get on a call with him (we are long distance) that anxiety is gone. I might be hella hyper then, but at least I’m calm.
  3. I can trust him. I have never been the most open person, with my thoughts and emotions, and so far I have been very slow with opening up about certain things from my past. He knows this, but it has meant a lot to me that he’s been patient and has not pressured me to talk about the things I’m not ready to. It’s what has really gotten me to trust him as much as I do today. If we are talking, trust, as in faithful wise, then yeah he’s the first person I’ve ever felt secure about.
  4. He’s always there for me. He’s really like my own personal hype man, makes me believe I am a lot more capable of things then I had previous thought. Besides that, he always there for a talk when I’m having a bad day. He’s a man of few words so he always gives the most simple answers or advice, which tend to the trick compared to complex ones, in my opinion.
  5. He makes me feel beautiful, like probably more than I actually am.
  6. He makes me laugh, he’s 100% a goof and loves to push my buttons. It’s brought out a lot of the carefree side of myself, which I have missed.
  7. He does the little things that make me smile. For example, I LOVE reading, huge bookworm over here, so I talk about books all the time. Mind you in the time I have known him, I’ve never seen him read books, but recently he started one and has stuck to it (even though he always falls asleep reading it.) It’s a minor thing, but is one that has stuck out to me tremendously.
  8. He listens to me. Which sometimes I’m on the fence about because he actually remembers everything I say, and I say some questionable things.
  9. He matches my effort, which makes it a real two way street, and that’s important to me in a relationship, especially a long distance one.
  10. He made me believe in love again. Just by being him.

I could probably go on for days about that things I love about J, but some things are meant to be a bit more private. The reason I picked the things I did for this post, is because I believe they are things that a person should make you feel in a healthy relationship. I have been through the unhealthy situations and from those I was able to figure out the way I wanted to be treated and the way I wanted to feel when I love someone. J gives me that. In essence, he is who makes me feel safe and he will never know how much that truly means to me.

Long story short. Wait for your J. If you are in an unhealthy relationship, leave, it’s not going to change, they will always remain the same. And if you finally get the courage to leave, just know that there is a person out there that will give you all the love you deserve and more. I promise.

Cheers!

Mirjam

P.S. J is not his actual name, it will just be used when he is referenced to in my posts.

P.P.S J also reads my blog so, hey babe, I love you.

Hey, Soul Sister

So, many of my recent posts have been a bit on the “deeper” side and I figured it was about time I told the world about my best friend, Ally.

This is her birthday weekend and I will be going up to Boston after six long months apart to celebrate it with her. Let the drinking and gossip commence!

Here’s a little background:

Ally and I met two years ago, while living abroad in Ireland, through an app. A very modern way to start this story, I’d say. At the time, I had only been living there for two weeks, while she had been there for a few years already. I had lived abroad a few times at that point and knew the best way to meet people was either by going out or going online. This means Facebook groups or modern apps, such as Bumble Friends. We used a different one, which actually does not exist anymore (RIP.)

Ally reached out to me and we soon began talking and made plans to meet that very week. Honestly, the whole thing felt like a date, minus the romantic interest. We hit it off so well it was as if we had known each other our entire lives. From that point on, we actually became inseparable. So much so, we moved in together the same year.

Fast forward to today:

Both of us have since moved back to the States, living about three hours apart. Might be hard for some, but we talk 24/7, so besides not seeing each other every minute of the day, things haven’t really changed.

Ally was the friend I needed at the time where life was a bit confusing. Moving to new places is always hard, especially when it is completely alone. Add having the emotional baggage your carrying along, it becomes even harder. Ally and I were in similar situations when we met, both working through things, both needing that person to build the other back up. We always say, we saved each other.

She’s my soul sister, the one who gets me without me even having to say a word. She cheers me on from every sideline, pushing me to always do my best. Sometimes I think she believes in me more than I believe in myself.

Everyone needs a person in their life who is like Ally. I am extremely lucky to have her as a best friend in life. It’s a lifelong friendship for me, one I will never take for granted and I know it’s the same for her. Life only gives you a few genuinely good people, so I say when you find them, whoever it may be, best friend, family, or partner, make sure to hold on tight cause it’s love and friendship which make the journey worth it.

Cheers!

Mirjam

Do you have any people who you cannot see life without? People who feel like they were put in your life at the time you needed someone the most? Let me know all about them in the comments! Xx

Ignoring The Voice Of The Past

Many of my posts are about me doing my best to think more positively, in regards to myself and the world around me. It is a battle that on some days is won and on others, well, the fight stays continuous.

That being said, it is evident that my mind can be a bit of a dark place at times. It is a mind which has developed from the people and experiences that have tried to dim the light inside of me. It is the part of my mind that hasn’t entirely healed, the part which stays a little bit haunted.

I often wonder how I let someone break me down to the level they did. I see myself as such a strong person when I look at myself in the mirror. I go about my days confidently, so sure that the things I do and the paths I have chosen are right. So, why can’t I just erase that voice?

That stupid voice, the one that told me I would never be enough. That I am not smart. That I am not kind. That I am not beautiful. That I am not strong. The voice that tore apart everything I love about myself.

At the end of the day, I know it’s cause I’m human, things happen and they impact you, some more drastically than others. It’s just a part of life, not every experience will be a good one and the best thing you can do is to keep moving forward.

So yes, sometimes I hear that voice, sometimes I feel that hurt all over again, and yes, sometimes I still believe it. But MOST of the time, I can push it away, fight it, remember that yes, I am enough, I am smart, I am kind, I am beautiful, and most of all, I am strong.

Cheers!

Mirjam

p.s. This was a really tough post for me to write, but is one that I KNOW many people can relate to, having possibly gone through similar situations and currently have voices in their head they are fighting. Just know you are never alone and I got you. Keep fighting. Xx

Tale of a Restless Spirit

I think my biggest fear in life is living a mediocre one. For me, that would be settling for a job I don’t like, or settling for a person not meant for me, or just doing anything that doesn’t make me 100% happy.

I see it all around me, people settling because what they have is just “fine”, it pays the bills, it gives them a family, or stability. Whatever the case may be, they find something that just passes and they stick to it.

I don’t want “fine,” I want to absolutely knock it out of the park. I want that life with travel, I want to be with my the love of my life and not call it “settling” and I want to know that I did everything I possibly could have to make it a life that was worth living.

The restlessness of my spirit sometimes eats at me, it leads to so much overthinking and wondering. Sometimes it really feels like a curse, being unable to take what I have and make that feel enough. I think it’s because I know I am capable of more.

My biggest area of restlessness is my work. Going through my twenties I have had trouble finding that job that I love and want to go to everyday, one that the passion never fades in. I seem to keep getting stuck in jobs where they turn into only a way to make ends meet.

While many people are alright with that, I am not. I will continue searching till I find what fits me, the type of job I wake up excited to go to work for. I know I have worked hard to get to where I am now and I have the time to keep searching, so I will keep truckin’ on.

Another part of my restless spirit is that I have trouble staying in on place. I always have the itch to go somewhere new, which probably explains me having moved so many times. I get that from my parents. They got married and moved about seven times until settling in the States.

I have the need to see the world, to see how people work, to experience, but mostly to observe. I want to know the differences in people among me and I want to know the similarities. Sometimes I think I want to know too much.

The restlessness of my spirit gives me drive. It won’t ever allow me to stop or to take less than I deserve or am capable of. It will allow me to make the most out of my life, allow me to see the world, and allow me to be the happiest me I can become.

So yes, a restless spirit is not an easy one, but it’s worth it because with that restless spirit I can make all my dreams come true.

Cheers!

Mirjam

Living Alone

Recently, I moved out of my childhood home, into my own apartment. This was needed in the sense that I’m about to be 26, and it is time to live my own life.

Growing up, my childhood home would be considered small for the area I live in, even more so with that fact that there were 6 of us living in it. This did lead to some chaotic times, but also created some of my fondest memories.

Due to growing up so close knit, the adjustment period to living alone has had its up and downs. These are the top five things I have realized living alone so far:

  1. I hate cooking for myself.
  2. I am suddenly obsessed with cleaning.
  3. I love how when I want company I can invite someone over, and when I want to be alone, I can shut out the world.
  4. I love not having anyone constantly asking me what I am doing.
  5. I miss the loudness of my childhood home.

So, it turns out I am not the greatest cook. The other day I burnt pasta, no idea how it occurred, but it did. It is also SUPER hard to portion the right amount for one person and not have leftovers. I am no fan of leftovers, so it is important not to have any. The future looks bleak cooking wise, so will likely stick to pre-made meals.

I have never been a messy person, but lately my love of cleanliness has reached a whole new level. Having anything out of place drives me mad, and all dust must be dusted, at all times. I think it could just be knowing I pay a massive amount of rent, so my place should at least stay looking good.

I would say I am more of an introvert in life, but one that can be extroverted WHEN I WANT TO BE. Living alone is ideal because I have days where I invite a friend over for a drink and then can be all set with socializing for a few days. Being alone does not bore me, I’m quite content with my own company.

When I moved home from Ireland, one aspect of having to live in my childhood home again that drove me insane was my parents always needing to know what I was doing and where I was. It created a lot of tension between us, only because I was used to going my own way and it was a step backwards for me having to relay all this information all the time. Living alone, I can just go about my day and no one knows the wiser.

Finally, it does get very quiet living alone. My childhood home was always very loud because there were so many of us. I definitely miss that aspect of it. To combat that silence, I have taken to always having a background noise on, whether it be the tv or music. I also talk to my plants, A LOT.

Well, there you have it. Living alone is a new experience for me, one that I love most of the time, but also have my conflicts with. I think the plan is to get a cat and once that happens, it will be happy days for sure.

Cheers!

Mirjam

What are your experiences with living alone or moving out of your childhood home. Feel free to leave a comment! Xx

“It’s Okay To See A Therapist”

These words were said to me by a close friend a few years ago when I was going through one of lowest points in my life. Back then, it was something I heard, but never took to heart.

I waited another three years after that until I finally set my ego aside and marched into my therapist’s office. That, remains one of my best decisions to date.

Looking back, I wonder why I had such an issue with the idea of going to therapy. It was never anything that would hurt me, it only benefits me, yet I had so much pride that therapy was seen as the last resort for me.

To think that I thought I was tough enough mentally to do it all on my own, was entirely insane. Sometimes you just need help. For me, therapy gives me the chance to just talk. Talk to someone who has no biased option and who only wants the best for me. Talk until I pretty much talk myself into a solution or talk myself into fully understanding what I am thinking or even feeling.

Just given that freedom to talk and air out whatever I have going on in that churning mind of mine. The mind that never stops thinking, that never stops worrying, the mind that seems to always be running from something. Therapy allows me to organize those thoughts better, it allows me to breathe a bit.

“It’s okay to see a therapist.” It plays in my mind everytime I doubt myself or feel the least bit badly about having to go to therapy. I now know it is okay to ask for help and to seek that help. It turns out that taking that little step was worth everything. It saved me.

Cheers!

Mirjam

Let me know your experiences or thoughts on therapy in the comments! Xx

Loving Yourself Is The Greatest Revolution

One of the main things I have been working on the past few years, but have really been starting to achieve this year, is just loving myself. A big part of that is in the way I see myself in the mirror, so sadly it has a lot to do with how I look.

When I was younger, I was always very skinny, mostly due to puberty not really hitting me till I was about seventeen. For me, that was an ideal way to look, so skinny you could literally fit into the smallest size without an issue. That, in itself, is an issue. Turns out, my “womanly” body, as my mother calls it, is quite curvy. Now let me tell you, curvy does not fit into the smallest size. And for me, that was tragic.

From there, started the years of diets, restrictions, and emotional turmoil, all due to hating the way I looked and the fact that I was not skinny enough for myself. The “for myself” is key because I was plenty fine for everyone else.

It is actually ridiculous how you can get so into your mind about something that is not even a problem. It is usually just societal ideals being put into your mind and you deciding you are not good enough. That is what makes it so heartbreaking.

I look at myself today, and I might not think I’m perfect, I still may diet, or have days that I cry about the way I look, but I finally know I’m enough. Just the fact that I don’t obsess about the scale or cry because I don’t fit into something I may have the year before are big steps for me. I’m proud of those steps. I’m proud that I can look in the mirror and feel beautiful or the fact that I finally know I don’t have to be everyone’s idea of perfect. I’m perfect in my own way.

It is with those tiny “victories” that I started loving myself a bit more. To love yourself, in any way, being mentally, physically, or emotionally, is not an easy task and I give props to anyone whose working on that. My advice, is to take it day by day and stop being so hard on yourself, usually it’s just all in your head.

Cheers!

Mirjam

Mothers & Daughters

The mother/daughter relationship for me has always been one of the harder relationships to handle. For many, the mother/daughter dynamic is seen as a “best friend” relationship, where they go shopping together, talk about boys (or girls) together, and gossip about whatever else. It is a thought that has always put a lot of pressure on the actual relationship I have with my mother, a strain almost, to try and create that “ideal” relationship, one that we have never really had.

Let me continue by saying that I love my mother, I really do. I look up to her, I see how strong of a woman she is, how hard she has worked to raise my brothers and I, and how loving of a wife she is to my father. Regardless of all of that, she is not an easy woman, and neither am I.

My teen years were not easy, I was a bit of a nightmare teenager, and with my mother having a similar personality to mine, our relationship took a huge hit during those years. In fact, we sadly stopped speaking for a while. Looking back on it years later, I wish it had not happened that way, but yet it is what has given us the relationship we now have. We pulled through, I got older, matured, and saw my mom in a different light. She went from being someone I really had no interest in knowing, to a person I work really hard to understand. Through that effort of at least trying to understand her, we have almost developed societies “ideal” mother/daughter relationship, I just think we have changed it to fit our ideal. It may not be telling each other secrets all the time and calling each other our “best friend,” but we respect each other, and have fun when we get together to have a girl’s day. For me, that’s really all I ever wanted, just to have a mom who gets me and for me to get her. I’m lucky in that, I have a mom that would never give up on me , and “ideal” relationship or not, I’m forever grateful.

To all the girls out there who might have a difficult relationship with your mom, know that sometimes it just takes time.** Try and see things from her perspective a bit more, and remember she is only human, and everyone makes mistakes.

Cheers!

Mirjam

**P.S. I know that this is not the case for everyone because sometimes there are very bad situations between mothers and daughters. This is a very broad statement more based on my own experience and what I took from it**

“Quiet the Mind, and the Soul Will Speak.”

Meditation. It is one of those things I have always been quite pessimistic about. Lately though, I have been opening myself up to trying new things, one of those being meditation.

Initially, I had thought of meditation as just sitting while breathing slowly and hopefully it relaxes you. I mean, I wasn’t far off, but there is SO much more to it than just that.

It has never been easy for me to shut off my brain and just sit in my silence, everything just roars too damn loud. Yet with meditation, it seems my thoughts have been replaced with emotion and when those emotions are released I finally have silence.

The emotion is the hardest part of meditation, the amount of times I find myself in tears could quite possibly put me into a mental institution. But it is so worth it, just to feel whatever I am holding on to finally come out and to feel free from whatever was holding me down. It is to the point that I am able to place what I’m feeling just by where in my body I am feeling that emotion. i.e. if I feel it in my throat, it is grief, in my chest, it is anger, in my stomach, it is fear. That, in itself, is completely new to me.

With this, meditating has become one of the best parts of my day, it is a time for myself, where I get in touch with my feelings both good and bad, and allow myself to actually feel them. It has enabled me to understand myself just a little bit better and look at life in a new, healthier perspective.

Because of that, I would recommend meditation to just about anyone, cause it never hurts to understand yourself just a little bit better.

Cheers & Namaste,

Mirjam

There she goes, disappearing again…

I know, I know, I am the worst. Saying “I’M BACK” and disappearing for yet another few months…BUT I promise, this time I really am back!

Let me hit you with a quick update on the life of Jam a.k.a me:

  1. Moved back to good old ‘MURICA.
  2. Got a new job (still in shipping, cause gotta stick to what you know.)
  3. Moved into a new apartment (all mine and lovin’ it.)
  4. Got my little ol’ self into therapy and have stuck to it for the past eight months. (It’s been busy putting all my pieces back together.)
  5. Became a bit of a Yogi (not the bear.)
  6. Still working on loving my body, but the number on the scale stopped bothering me as much (so that’s a win right?)
  7. Met and fell in love with my best friend.

There, of course, is plenty more that has happened in the past year since you last heard from me, but the ones above are by far the biggest. It’s always been a fight, but lately its begun to feel like one I can win. While the world has been in chaos all around me, it seems funny that I have never been at such peace.

Each of these seven points will be elaborated on in future posts, but for now I’ll leave you with that.

I hope you all are well and are staying safe & healthy.

Cheers!

Mirjam